Difficulty Sleeping and Negativity

by thedesertion

I have been the poster child for negativity in the last few days. Maybe it’s because I have been focusing all my time on studying rather than taking a moment to clear my mind by writing in this journal. I let all my negativity build up and then I end up having a nervous breakdown. I guess I’ll have to use some sort of cognitive behavioral techniques to get me going on a good habit of writing down my thoughts. I have to make it a part of a regular routine.

In talking to my husband, I told him that I feel stupid compared to him and that no one is going to hire me. I feel that at this point, I’m not going to get hired even if I wanted some conventional law job. I was around the 50th percentile of my class with one bar exam failure under my belt.

I like to think of my husband as my equal but when it comes to the bar exam I feel like I am worthless compared to him. It hurts to think that I lag behind him in the areas of memorization and internalizing legal concepts. My hope is to be his equal in all areas of legal study. I will admit that he is better at research than I am, but he will admit that I am better at legal writing. I guess we have our strengths and weaknesses but I keep feeling like my weaknesses hold me back from moving forward in life, whereas his weaknesses are the falsified weaknesses you make up when you’re at a job interview:

Q: “What are your weaknesses?”

A: “Well, I would say that I work too hard. I’m a bit of a workaholic in that once I start something I can’t put it down until I’m done, even if that means I have to stay late to finish up.”

A prime example of a feigned weakness.

Since I started studying for the bar exam, I have noticed that my thoughts race all night long and it’s at its worst when I lay down and try to fall asleep. It takes me a while to try to calm my mind. When I finally do, I start to get terrible nightmares. I dream of all sorts of horrible events and they don’t necessarily have anything to do with the bar exam. A few nights ago I had a dream that someone was trying to kill my mom. I don’t know what kind of subliminal message my mind is trying to send me and whether this has anything to do with the bar exam.

I looked up “death” in a dream dictionary. I don’t know if I really believe in this stuff, but at least it is food for thought. Here’s what it says in abbreviated form:

To dream about death represents change. Your personality or life situation is transforming for better or worse. An area of your life has come to an end, an era is over, or roles are shifting. Alternatively, death in a dream can reflect failure or loss. Good people in your dreams dying symbolizes positive aspects of your personality being overcome by negative influences.To dream of people you know dying symbolizes changes to certain qualities in yourself that these people reflect in you. It may also represent your view of these people succumbing to a problem as well as shifts in their personality or lifestyle. To see your parents die in a dream reflects an inability to make positive or effective choices. Your mother dying symbolizes your intuition or ability to think ahead being compromised. A dead mother may also reflect feelings of being overwhelmed by bad luck. You can’t find answers you want, or you feel unlucky. The death of parents in a dream is a sign that you need to seriously reconsider your current life path. Significant or fundamental changes may be in order.

That was really heavy. I don’t really know what to think. “Death in a dream can reflect failure … … feelings of being overwhelmed by bad luck.  You can’t find the answers you want, or you feel unlucky.” If that doesn’t sum up my bar exam experience, I don’t know what does. I really have to do some thinking, don’t I?